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If I was going to kill you, I'd be stepping over your body right now on my way out the door.
-Brisco County, Jr. - No. I think Louis was the Ninth or Tenth. But then, a lady never counts.
- Oh? Then what are those notches on the bedpost?
-Dixie Cousins & Brisco County, Jr. You touched my piece. NOBODY touches my piece!
-Pete Hutter - Pride comes before a fall, Pete.
- So does an ounce of lead in a brainpan.
-Brisco County, Jr. & Peter 'Pete' Hutter Forget about it? You mean... rip it from my memory like a picture from a book? A picture of a small boy... kind of shy... with big ears who only wanted to be liked. And the laughing faces of his classmates, mocking him because he forgot to wear his pants
-Peter Hutter - Uh oh. You hit the sheriff
- Yeah, but I did not hit the deputy.
-Lord Bowler & Brisco County, Jr. You gotta excuse Comet. He still doesn't realize he's a horse.
-Brisco County, Jr. Dixie: "Brisco, put me down!"
Brisco: "All right, you look bad in a wig and you were too easy to find." Brisco: "You wouldn't be dumb enough to shoot me with all those soldiers out there, would you Bill?"
Phil Swill: "I'm Phil. He's Bill. And I just might be dumber than you think." Brisco: "Yeah, but a convention isn't a bad idea. You just need the right group of people."
Brisco, Lord Bowler, and Socrates (simultaneously): Dentists!" Olaf Brackman: "Where are you from, Utah Johnny Montana?"
Johnny's Assistant: "He's from Idaho!" Bowler: "It's gonna take more than one well-intentioned ex-lawyer to round up Blackbeard LaCutte and his gang."
Brisco: "You wouldn't be offering to help, would ya?"
Bowler: "Maybe. You offering me a reward?"
Brisco: "I'm not in this for the money, Bowler."
Bowler: "Then we got a deal." Bowler: "Give it up Brisco. Nobody gets out of quicksand."
Brisco: "What makes you so sure?"
Bowler: "You know anybody who fell into quicksand?"
Brisco: "No."
Bowler: "Need I say more?" Brisco: "How's it going, Hatchet? Miss me?"
Hatchet: "By a couple of inches..." Brisco: "Okay, Bowler. Attack! Attack! Attack!"
(Bowler starts losing quickly)
Brisco: "Retreat! Retreat! Retreat!"
Socrates Poole: "I think we need a new strategy." Iphigenia Poole: "Shouldn't we be doing something?"
Brisco: "Randolph's gonna be 50 feet down. What do you want me to do, go out there, and wrestle him in some underwater life and death struggle? Me desperate for air and him behind glass - smiling in an oxygen-rich environment? No thanks! I'll wait until they get back on shore; then I'll get Randolph and the plates."
Iphigenia Poole: "...seems sort of anti-climactic..." Ellie: "Nice form." (After Brisco tosses darts at a target)
Brisco: "Ah, throwing darts is easy."
Ellie: "Who said anything about darts?" Brisco: (pulling out a stick of dynamite) Hey, how about this? Good quality.
Plenty of blast power. Fuse works too! (tosses it) Oops! How clumsy of me! Bowler: "Help, Brisco, I can't swim!"
Brisco: "Try standin' up!" Bowler: "What happened to Grave's End? Who put a dang lake here?"
Brisco: "Dam."
Bowler: "All right, damn lake." Professor Albert Wickwire: "This is a momentous day, gentlemen - I've never field-tested this before."
Pete: "What?"
Professor Albert Wickwire: "Nope! Never deeper than a water trough. That plumb line we dropped over showed over 60 feet of water. That's two atmospheres of pressure. This should be very interesting."
Jack: (who can't hear anything) "What's he saying?"
Pete:(smiling) "He thinks you're gonna drown!" Brisco: "Correct me if I'm wrong, Pete; weren't you killed in a gunfight?"
Pete: "I was only gut shot. I healed. I'm stronger now with less appetite." Professor Albert Wickwire: "Now that seemed to work quite well.
Brisco: Yeah, but there's still two of them out there."
Professor Albert Wickwire: "I'm thinking of something that could be quite effective. I need some fishing line, coat hanger, soap, and some cheese."
Brisco: "Cheese?"
Professor Albert Wickwire: "I'm hungry." Professor Coles: "That's a completely fictitious title, I presume?"
Lord Bowler: "No--I just made it up" Bowler: "Maybe you got a little more respect for ol' Lord Bowler now."
Brisco: "Well, certainly among all the active bounty hunters out there, you're the best singer."
Bowler: "That's true." Dixie: "Look, I want no part of this. I'm not against parenthood as an institution, but I'm not ready to be institutionalized."
Lee Pow: "Ah, Brisco County, Jr. and Lord Bowler. Have a cookie. They're stale, but the fortunes are still fresh... Do not be dismayed so quickly. Let me teach you an old Chinese trick. Add the the words 'between the sheets' to your fortune. It enhances it greatly."
Bowler: "Things are looking up... hehhehhehheh" Brisco: "Gor dae dao chai bing pa-tai. Uh, tai ah dingading bao."
Bowler: "Where'd you learn that?"
Brisco: "Harvard. Chinese 101."
Bowler: "Yeah, well they ain't answering you. You sure it wasn't Japanese 101?"
Brisco: (shrugs) "Might have been..." Enzio Tataglia: "In my country we have a saying: 'If you yodel in the forest, the yoo-hoo that you yoo-hoo will be the yoo-hoo that you get back."
Brisco: "Where were you from again?" Socrates Poole: "What can I do for you, Mister Pow?"
Lee Pow: "Not "Mister Pow." Not "Lee." Not "Pow." Not "Mister Lee Pow." Lee Pow." Dr. Milo: "It's alright... when I... When I find myself in times of trouble, I say, boy you gotta carry that weight. I am he - you are he - you are me - we are all together, speaking words of wisdom come together right now. Amen..." Brisco: "Karina, this is Socrates Poole, and this is..."
Karina: "Lord Bowler! Your faithful companion. Hi. It's in all the history books." Emma Steed: "Brisco, don't worry. I'm like a cat--with nine lives."
Lord Bowler: "And what number you're on?"
Emma Steed: "23?" Pete Hutter: "That's the thing about yer Chinese Death Stars - an hour after you get killed, you're alive again." Pete Hutter: "Tiny, the only thing tinier than your brain is the likelihood that a mouth-breathing, psychopathic wall of stink weed like you is ever gonna get out of this dung-hood. You got "leper" stabbed on your forehead, just like everybody in that micro-cephalic, imbecile-raided, beer-sucking, cousin-marrying family of elephants that you come from." Pete Hutter: "When fleeing, I suggest you follow the fly to the fleet that knows how to flee the fastest...and that would be me." President: "Gentlemen, how can I thank you?"
Brisco: "Well, sir, you could start with a Presidential Pardon."
Bowler: "How about a raise?"
Brisco: "Bowler!"
Bowler: "What?"
President: (laughing) "That's very funny, Mr. Bowler: a raise. Very funny indeed!"
Bowler: "What's funny about it?" Pete Hutter: "I scoff at your moronic interpretation of hoosegow architecture!"
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