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Dear Diary: Jackpot!
-Quagmire Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8... and home by 11. OHH!
-Quagmire I'll be just like Hillary Clinton, only you know, without the penis.
-Lois Griffin Hello there. You must be *this* beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
-Quagmire I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second: AHH!
-Peter Griffin Easy easy! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.
-Stewie Griffin That tickles me in a way where, if Loretta were to tickle me that way, I'd say, "Oh... yeah, that's it... that's the spot."
-Cleveland I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.
-Peter Griffin Yo did ya'll check me wen that hottie was all up in my kool-aid? I wuz lookin to break off a lil sumthin sumthin but my crew gave me the 411 on dat skank and she's all about tha bling bling.
-Chris Griffin Holy crip hes a crapple.
-Peter Griffin If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar. Hahaha...oh that's right, I went there.
-Stewie Griffin Jesus loves me, he loves me a bunch, 'cause he always puts Skippy in my lunch.
-Peter Griffin Meg, we all miss the news, Heuy Lewis just needs time to create.
-Peter Griffin I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it... well I could ride it to the store.
-Chris Griffen Gigedy Gigedy Gigedy Gigidey Goo.
-Quagmire You know what I havent had in a while? Big League Chew.
-Peter Griffin Damn you vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb...
-Stewie The mind control device is nearing completion...
-Stewie How bout a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP!
-Brian Yeah it's stuck in a window this time.
-Quagmire This is my wife, lois, AHH!
-Peter Hey, whats YOUR fatass doing here?
-Black Knight ok, how many dirty stinkin apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? THREE! One dirty stinkin ape to screw it in and two dirty stinkin apes to throw feces at each other. hahahaha...*click-click*
-Peter Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
-Stewie Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
-Stewie Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool Aid Guy: OOOOOOOH YA!
-All Peter, it's seven o' clock and you've still got your pants on. Whats the occasion?
-Brian with the cash left over I got tickets to bring on the noise bring, bring on the funk....the noise was good but I thought they phoned in alot of the funk
-Cleveland You never gonna catch me. Forget about it!
-Greased Up Deaf Guy There's an evil monkey in my closet!
-Chris Peter;Well,at least i'm the fattest guy on the block to win a boat Fat Albert;Hey hey hey,I won a boat
-Peter Griffin and Fat Albert "OH NO! NO! NO! THAT'S PEPPEREKA! OW! TAKE THAT!" *whiz*
-Stewie Wow, that was strangly arousing
-Quagmire The hell? Did I just get laid?
-Quagmire You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates. Your life however is like a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
-Stewie (writing) Dear McGyver, enclosed is a paperclip, a rubber band, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
-Peter *walks to a kissing lesbian couple*
So You ladies ever been penetrated?
-Quagmire SShhhhh. just you shut your mouth
-Dvaid Bowie Oh hey not much, not much...so do you wanna go get wasted or something?
-Lion - O Hello, 911? its Quagmire. yeah, yeah its in a window this time.
-Quagmire Quagmire: Hey Meg 18 yet?
Meg: No
Quagmire: Hey Chris how are you?
Chis: Well i'm glad that I ....
Quagmire: Alll right!!! (leaves)
-Quagmire Peter: It's time you started living like the Piece of Schmidt you are.
Lois: That's "Pewterschmidt"!
-Peter and Louis Peter-yeah can I have a big mac, some small fries...you want something honey?...Lois-Peter she's having a baby!...Peter-oh and can I get a happy meal?
-Lois and Peter Stewie: *looking in the fridge* Okay, let's see, we got soda, purple stuff and, OH! Sunny D! Allright!
-Stewie *to Peter* Hey... hey big guy. You want- you want a SODA? Hmm? Do you? Do you want a SODA??
-Stewie Come on Peter. I've seen how competitive you can get. You can't even handle losing a game of checkers.
-Brian Griffin King me.
Look over there.
Huh?
-Brian and Peter Griffin [Singing] Check the balls on Uncle Charlie, fa la la la la la la la la.
-Cleveland & Quagmire I love this job more than I love taffy. And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy. [Puts taffy in his mouth.]Mmmmmm, mmmm, mmmm, mmm..hmmmmmm.
-Mayor Adam West Oh GOD, it's like Orson Wells' autopsy...!
-Stewie I'am coocoo for caca puffs.
-Peter Why are you dressed like Re-Run?
-Peter Griffen If I had a hole in my throat, I'd put pennies in it.
-Chris Griffen If I'm a child that makes you a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert.
-Peter(after Lois tells him he's childish) [Surprised] Stewie. Did......Did you unhook mommy's bra?
-Lois Griffin Oh I love to meet Ziggy Stardust...I take you home, make you fish bowel soup, fish bowel!" (To David Bowie, Stewie Griffin the Untold Story)
-Trisha Takanawa (on lois&peter's wedding day)''I only have one thing to say to you lois...fudge fudge lemonade around the corner milk is made"
-peter Mom, do you want this three-way to happen or not?
-Quagmire What the deuce are you looking at? It's just tuna......
-Stewie Hey Lois! Diarehha!
*laughs* Peter, I'm holding ice tea!
-Peter and Lois Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of popsicles. Mmmmm.
-Old man that loves Chris (Running naked through the mall) Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacy's basement, help me!
-Stewie Chris: My dad is smarter than your dad. Meg: We have the same dad, idiot! Chris: Yeah, but mine's smarter!
-Chris and Meg You know what I do Meg? I spit in your mouth while you sleep.
-Stewie Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil!
-Meg Chicken...gave me a bad coupon...
-Peter It's times like this I wish I were used for stem cell research
-Stewie Salesman: My uncle, who's a real expert on volcanoes says one is about to erupt right here.
Peter: ~Hmmm...I too have an uncle~ but we've never had a valcomo erupt ever.
Salesman: well...don't you think we're overdue for one?
Peter: touche salesman
-Salesman and Peter Dear diary, jackpot!
-Quagmire Lets do this!
-Joe Bring it ooooon!!!
-Joe >God: Let me light that for you. (summons bolt of lightning)(bar catches fire) Jesus Christ!!
>Jesus: What!?
>God: Lets get outta here.
-God and Jesus Smokin'! Ha ha ha. Smokin'! Smokin'!
-Lois Finally! (farts) Aahhhh...
-Martha Stewart Baby needs ash! BABY NEEDS ASH! I said "ash" not "ass" you pervert. Save it for the interns.
-Stewie Griffin One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven. Seven. Seven prostitutes.
-Peter Griffin (to a Twinkie) I'm going to turn you into POO!
-Chris when the world ismine you death shall be quick and painless
-stewie Brian: Oh please Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
Group: *GASP*
Brian: .......Too soon?
-Brian & Group Sure I'll go for some ice cream BUT NO SPRINKLES! for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you
-Stewie Pow right in the kisser! Pow right in the kisser!
-Peter Hey, Lois. Did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?
-Peter Griffin Oh crapped the bells he crapped the bells oh crapped the bells well here comes Jesus he doesn't look very happy.
-Unknown character *Brian* Ah dont feel bad peter.Hey I know what will cheer you up.*Peter* I dont think i'm in the mood.*B* Are you sure?"Its peanutbutter jelly time! Peanutbutter jelly time!Peanutbuter jelly time!Where you at,where you at a day ago! Peanutbutter jelly!P
-Brian&Peter *Peter*WILLSON!WILLSON!WILLSON!WILL*vollyball*My name is Voit.
-Peter&Vollyball Hehehehe sweeet
-Peter Mrs.lockheart too chris
what do you see here(mrs.lockheart)
2 d's and an F
-Chris Now, let's go back to Diane being a b***h.
-Tom Tucker (singing)Oh, This is one fine day to be nude! Oh This is one fine day to be nude...
-Bill Clinton Quagmire was just walking in the park when a ninja comes out of nowhere and stabs him! Then a nazi comes out! Then a pots and pans robot shoots him! We might be able to revive him...oh no! A t. rex! do..do..do...do..do...
-Peter My name isn't Adam We! Or is it? Nobody messes with Adam We!
-Adam West May I Have your attention please..Testicles..That'll be all.
-Peter Griffin Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs. [everyone gasps] Too soon?
-Brian What's all the noise? I was just jerk...ed out of a sound sleep.
-Quagmire Aw, this comic sucks, he couldn't make me laugh if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it!
-Peter *About Meg* Brian: Whiny little runt isn't she?
Lois: *GASP*
Brian: I said RUNT.
-Brian and Lois Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigamortis.
-Stewie Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes and I will not have you embaress me.
-Peter THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!
-Peter Someone stole Santa? That does not ROCK!
-Gene Simmons This plan is so perfect it's retarded.
-Peter P: Here honey, I got you this greeting card. L: "I'm sorry I sold our daughter into slavery." P: Yeah, it was really hard to find one of those in English.
-Peter Lois Bertram: What took you so long? Stewie: What took you so ugly!?
-Bertram Stewie P: Here honey, I got you this greeting card. L: "I'm sorry I sold our daughter into slavery." P: Yeah, it was really hard to find one of those in English.
-Peter Lois Lois: I think I'm pregnant. Peter: Oh, are you sure it's yours?
-Lois Peter Bertram: I sense something. I presence I haven't felt since...
-Bertram 'You can't park your vehicle there, sir.' 'That's not my car. That's my son.'
-Guard Peter Chris: Dad, you're pretty, like a girl.
-Chris Are you Kate Moss? For someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you.
-Lois 'You understand that this means you can never see your father again.' 'That's okay. He's very--Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?'
-Art Director Chris You make-a the pope look like a fool. God will make you pay. SMITE THEM!!!........................................................ He's-a-cookin something up.
-The Pope Uh-oh!
-Peter Firetrucks.Firetrucks.Firetrucks.What color are those red firetrucks?
-Peter Perhaps it was the Noid who should've avoided me.
-Adam West Joe: Are you wearing a girl's sweater?
Brian: Does that really matter right now?
-Joe and Brian Whoah,whoah,whoah,whoah,whoah.Lois, this isn't my Batman glass!
- Peter Oh,no! Someone peed in my pants!
-Chris Brian: Hola, me llamo es Brian ... Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy (Spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak English!
-bryan to mexican dude. Heh.Alright!!!
-Quagmire mailwoman:" Package for Glen Quagmire." Quagmire: "Oh, hold on. (leaves & comes back) I got a package for you too!"
-mailwoman, quagmire (singing) "What do you do if you're stuck in a chair? Finding it hard to go up and down stairs. What do you think of the one they call God? Don't you find his absence slightly odd?"
-chumba-wumbas Hi Meg, you know how cute I think you are.
-Tom Tucker Chris: "Hey dad, check out these little bananas.
Peter: "Why, you little smug bast***.
-Chris, Peter Lois: "Peter, where did you go?"
Peter: " To the can, because kissing you made me barf."
-Peter, Lois Peter: Hey Lois, what do you call a woman who cooks very slowly?
Lois: Peter, I swear....
Peter: Heh, heh, you call her Lois.
-Peter, Lois Chris: Brian's the new Meg! Brian's the new Meg!
Meg: Yeah. You're the new me!
Peter: Shut up, Meg.
-Chris,Meg and Peter Peter: Hey, Lois?
Lois: What?
Peter: Diarrhea.
Lois laughs: Peter, I'm holding iced tea!
-Peter and Lois Ridin on the bus. Ridin on the bus. Sittin next to bums. There's an open seat. Hope that isn't pee.
-Peter (singing) Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four... stake, stake, stake...
-Peter Brian: You're drunk. Stewie: You're sexy.
-Brian and Stewie You know, Mother. They say life is like a box of chocolates. Yours, however, is a box full of ACTIVE GRENADES!
-Stewie TT: Now over to Ali Willams with the Angry In the Sky Traffic Report, Whats it look like out there?
Ali: EVERBODY LOOK' LIKE ANTS!!
-Tom Tucker and Ali Williams comming up "can bees think?"recent studies say that no they cannot.
-tom tucker peter: oh my god, nobody move!
lois: what is it peter?
peter: stay calm.[rifle clicks]
*fire truck beeps horn*
*shoots at truck*
*truck hits peter with ladder*
peter:ah ah oh god ah!call the ambulance!
-peter to family neil: i got the coffee you wanted!
tom tucker:*spits out coffee* i thought i told you i wanted urine in my coffee!
-niel and tom tucker Peter:Oh my god what a felling this is turning out better than the time i met timer the cheese guy.Timer:a hankerfor a hunk of a slammin slice of chunka a hanker for a hunk of cheese when you get up and go is get up and....[knocking on door]
Timer:Howdy
-Peter timer cheese guy I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!
-Meg Damn you, damn the brocacoli, and damn the wright brothers!
-Stewie Griffin brian:how will we get passed them?
stewie:oh i got these costumes to disguise us.
brian:you'd do anything to wear a dress would you.
stewie:here they come, kiss me!
brian:ok lets go...well are you comming?
stewie:oh yes...hey, great shot at the dark
-stewie and brian Peter:Oh,Brian i feel horrible i put Lois in the hospital ,
and i lost the kids,this is turning out worst than stewie's Ipos
commercial.[song the warrior plays]
-peter ,brian Pah, gay marriage. Next thing you know they wanna vote!
-Mr. Pewterschmidt Oh God! Oh it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious...aahw, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt
-Stewie You know for a large heavy-set black guy, Cleveland's got a cute little white ass.
-Peter Shut-up and put some more of that sugar in my bowl.
-Loretta Pah, gay marriage. Next thing you know they wanna vote!
-Mr. Pewterschmidt Lois: You kidnapped the Pope?! Peter, this is the most reckless thing you've ever done!
Peter: C'mon, Lois. What about the time I was on that airplane?
(Flashback to Peter standing in front of an airplane's emergency exit door. It says "Do not pull.
-Lois and Peter (Peter and family at at an ice cream parlor)
Peter: Oh, Rum Raisin's my favorite!
(Peter licks his cone and passes out on a table breaking it in half.)
-Peter Peter: Kick, Joe, kick!
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic.
Peter: Well, that doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick, Joe, kick!
-Peter and Lois (singing) Giggety Giggety Giggety Giggety let's have sex!
-Quagmire Guy: hey kid! get that ham out your shirt
Chris: i don't have a ham
Guy: (lifting up shirt) Oh sorry... (yelling to friend) hey! it's just a fat kid... (talking to chris) want a candy bar?
-guy in store/chris Stewie:(singing the song cars in mix tape)Brian had sex with a retarded girl now he's taking Stewie to get some ice cream in his car
-stewie Quagmire:Damn you guy's are boring me,all it's mind-less chatter that's what it is you know what i just gonna go back and rent a dirty movie!(grunts on the way out the door).
-Quagmire How positively delightful! It's like somebody stabbed Mr. Bubble.
-Stewie Peter: I hate myself.
Kissup: I hate you too. You fat sack of crap!
-Peter and his kissup (Peter's car crashes into the Christmas pageant's "stable")
Peter: Hey, everybody! I'm on vacation. Happy birthday, Jesus. Seven maids a milkin',six maids a milkin' five maids a milk(Camel falls on Peter)ow!
-Drunk Peter Hehehehehe...sweet!
-Peter I'm so awkward!
-Chris I'm not a dog you fat son of a b*tch!
-Meg Looks like Stewie "Freed the beast" all over the back of Peter's head.
-Brian Permission to freak out?
-Chris Aww. Did Orson fall down?
-Brian Lois:Peter,did you get a new buttocks?
Peter:I had to.My old one had a crack in it! Hehehe...
-Lois and Peter Show women I gave the clap to. Oh!
-Quagmire Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
-Brian Show women I gave the clap to. Oh!
-Quagmire MUST KILL LINCOLN!
-Peter Peter, this next one, you can blame on the dog.
-Brian (Osama makes his rubber chicken"talk)Death to americans!
-Osama's rubber chicken (Stewie runs Homer Simpson over in the garage with his trike. Peter opens the door)Peter: Hey, Stewie.(Looks down) Who the hell is that?
-Peter "Peter, your a little heavy buddy... We're going down"
-Falcore "If you see the Noid, tell him not to steal my pizza...or i'll snap his neck."
"Perhaps it was the Noid that should have avoided me."
-Mayor West I am not a sideshow attraction...anymore(flashback to Lois in a cage)Me likey bouncy! Me likey bouncy
-Lois Peter: Z, 4, Q, another Q, a third Q, and a Batman symbol."
Pat Sajak: "Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you want to take a shot at it. Talk It out."
Peter: "It is Alex Karis In Webster?"
(Victory Music Plays). Baby needs to suck ash. BABY NEEDS TO SUCK ASH! Not "ass" you pervert, save it for the interns.
-Stewie Griffin [Stewie's highchair creaks and creaks until he crashes on the floor.]
DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!
It serves you right. You've spent all of this time trying to make Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Now dog help me up.
Gee I'd love to but my doctor advised me against lifting heavy objects.
Hardy har har! Very funny.
[Brian starts to kick Stewie into a spin.]
What are you doing? Stop! STOP! Brian: Meka leka hi Meka hi- God I hate you so much You must be a parking ticket because you got fine written all over you- Ougmire Liza Minnelli: "Come on, baby! Momma's gotta sparkle! It's time to make a life of Cabaret!
Blue M&M: Lady, for God's sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy. Get help! Stewie [hiding in a cheerleader's locker]: They're getting nude! Oh, I musn't watch, it's not the proper thing to--Whoa! I say, nice ones, Janene. And look at Lisa and all of her curvatious glory! Good heavens, it appears that my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis!
(Brian reading Nate Griffin's diary)
Brian: "The Diary of Nate Griffin." May 7th, 1836. I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near my face. So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew a huge fart right back at her.
Peter: Hehehehehehe!
Brian: Oh, uh, that laugh's in here, too, see? "Hehehehehehehe..." -Brian and Peter Family Guy peter; do you know what grinds my gears peter; do you know what grinds my gears WHAT THE HELL? No, no, no, no, no, NOOOO! - Cleveland Lois's dad: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: No he's just ocwardly positioning himsel- NOW he's violating Seabreeze! HEY! YOU'RE NOT THE SAME GIRAFFE FROM LAST NIGHT! - Quagmire NO MORE MULLEGENS! - Death HEY, SKINNY BRITCHES! That there's my man! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? - Herbert Are you a giving tree or a reciving tree? - Herbert DING! - Mort Goldman I'll love ya later. - Meg I IS GONNA BE BIGGER THAN ALL YALL'S! - Stewie It's a-Peter a-Griffin's a-champaign a-dance party! -Peter Uh, oh! I gotta fart......but I don't know which way to lean. - Peter I hate shows that cut away from the story to some random bullcrap! - Cleveland WHAAAT!? - Chris Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch! - Stewie Come here Jesse! Come get the ball! - Herbert Oh, you are just the worst type of person. - Stewie YOU'RE A FT STINKIN' DURNK! - Francis Griffin This is stupid, I wanna talk about VAGINAS! - Joe Quagmire, how'd you like to help me commit suicide? - Joe Olive juice you too. - Stewie What no clip? Hmm, thought we had a clip. - Stewie Oh, Crone! - Stewie For every sprinkle I find......I shall KILL YOU! - Stewie Are her parents brother and sister? - Stewie Meth is a Hell of a drug. - Lois Well, technically, I'm retarded. - Peter Peter, according to these test results you're not a genius. In fact...You're mentally retarded. - Brian FONZIE BE PRAISED! - Peter Giggity ,giggity, giggity, giggity, lets have SEX! - Quagmire Bring it ONNNN! - Joe Stewie: This calls for a sexy party.
_Stewie Griffin Mayor West: "Can I help you, gentlemen?"
Brian: "Follow that truck!" (pause) "Didn't you hear me? I said, follow that truck!"
Mayor West: "Oh, I heard you... What I didn't hear was 'please'."
Brian & Stewie: "Please follow the truck!" Something, something, something, Dark Side! - The emporor GET NAKED YOU STRANGE WHORE!!! - Joe Swanson Yeah, well...techinaclly, I'm retarded. - Peter Griffin I dropped the ball, I'm sorry. I've just been buried in paperwork for the past 72 hours. - Chris Griffin DAMN IT, BONNIE! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK! - Joe You're Death, what are you afraid of? - Peter Wah! Wah! It's only child birth. How much could it hurt? - Peter Didn't 'Robot chicken' already do this 3 months ago? - Chris Peter: "Shiny Red Ball!" Brian: "You're drunk."
Stewie: "You're sexy." Peter: "Hey Lois, what's this word?"
Lois: "Evil."
Peter: "And this one?"
Lois: "Knievel."
Peter: "And this one?"
Lois: "Was."
Peter: "And this one?"
Lois: "Born."
Peter: "And this one?"
Lois: "In."
Peter: "And this one?"
Lois: "Montana."
Peter: "Huh. Hey Lois, did you know that Evil Knievel was born in Montana?" Brian: "And over here is the physics department."
Chris: "That explains all the gravity." Brian: "Hey, Chris. You'd better get of your sister, or else..."
Chris: "I don't have to listen to you; you're a dog! You don't have a soul!" Peter: "Awful lotta Honkies in here." Peter: I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs! Peter Griffin: Can I get 6,000 Chicken "Fuh-jie-tus"?
Stewie: Well its been 24 hours, got my money?!
Brian: Oh man. ah just give me till friday.
Stewie: Ah thats funny could have sworn i said have it by today. Stewie sarcasticly: Oh my your so funy!! I never heard that joke done like that truly original...You uh uh got any more. Your so funny!!! "Yea, and God said to Abraham; 'You will kill your son Issacc' and Abraham said: 'What? I can't hear you. You'll have to speak into the microphone!' and God said: 'Oh, I'm sorry, is this any better? Check, check; Jerry, pull the high end out; i'm still getting some hiss back here."
"Say something about my Mother!!"
-Stewie and Brian Griffin "Ridin' on the bus, ridin' on the bus, sittin' next to bums; there's an open seat *pointing* Hope that isn't pee!"
-Peter "What the deuce?"-Stewie "Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?"-Brian You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.
-Stewie giving Brian a Compliment Sandwich Hey baby, care to take a gander at some Adam West penis?
-Mayor West Hey...you gonna eat that dead fat guy?
-Half Dead Fat Guy
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