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Mike Brady: Carol, we've only been on a few minutes. Are you telling me we've already been canceled? Greg Brady: Music is my life! Mike Brady: Welcome back to another Brady Bunch Hour!
Carol Brady: Yeah, the show that asks the musical question: Can eight average people make it in the big time? Mike Brady: Am I really that bad a singer?
Carol Brady: Our guests for tonight's show are... Marcia Brady: Uh, Mom, he's not serious is he? He sounds serious.
Carol Brady: I know he sounds serious. I've heard him sing. Carol Brady: You know, honey, for a guy with his own television show, you're still a pretty fair architect.
Mike Brady: Hey, thanks! I think it's kind of therapy for me, you know. Architects don't need Neilsen ratings to tell them who's watching their buildings. Bobby Brady: Mr. Berle, we need your help. You see, we're about as funny as the Waltons.
Milton Berle: No, you're not. Rich Little: Who are all these kids?
Carol Brady: Uh, these are our sons and daughters.
Rich Little: Oh boy, you two have been busy, haven't you? Milton Berle: I feel like the loser on The Gong Show. Milton Berle: One more kid and you're eligible for statehood. Mike Brady: Mr Berle... why are you here?
Milton Berle: Bad luck, I guess. Greg Brady: What has six eyes, sex appeal, smokes a cigar and wears a toupee?
Everyone: What?
Greg Brady: Tonight's three guests. Bobby Brady: Compared to us, Donny and Marie are Cheech and Chong! Carol Brady: We really think we have a terrific show for you tonight!
Marcia Brady: It's loaded with music, dancing and lots of comedy.
Bobby Brady: Stay tuned, folks. The comedy starts right after this monologue. Jan: Why couldn't I have been one of the Waltons? Jan: Oh, why can't I be dead?
Marcia: Yeah! Why can't Jan be dead? Jan: What'll my friend think? Oh, I could just roll up in a little ball and die! Carol: He's even going to dance class. Do you think he likes that? Do you think your father enjoys wearing tights? Carol: Is that it? Is that the kind of miserable, ungrateful children you are? Mike: When you left here, it was all fun and games. Now it's assault with a deadly rollerskate? Carol: Cindy is growing up. Seems like only yesterday I was explaining the bumps on her Barbie doll to her. Greg: You know, if you guys weren't my folks, I'd swear you were loaded! Peter: If you were a little older and you weren't my sister...
Cindy: Yeah, sure. That's what all the other guys say. Cindy: How come we've never had a black president? Winston: Think about it man. Hamburger has feelings. Peter: I'll never understand how such a big girl gets in such a little bikini. Marcia: Marcia. My name is Marcia. I'm Marcia... but who are you? Carol: I never met a music cue I didn't like! Bobby: Most people don't even think we go to school. They think all we do is sing and dance and wear clothes with mirrors on 'em.
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